Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
