I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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