____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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