Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
