I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize