the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
