If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
where does the pee come out of this thing
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
