You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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