As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
