in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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