im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
