My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
