Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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