Too much gin, very little bucket
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
