I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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