the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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