and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
and she was petting her beer can
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
