i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
