My room smells like vodka and shame
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
