he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Pants are for mortals
My bed smells like the plague
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
