One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
