note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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