Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
