This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
