My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
