hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
