I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my phone needs a breathalizer
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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