i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize