so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
