Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
