I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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