I am puke
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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