You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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