This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
