if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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