You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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