I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
