How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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