My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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