My liver just broke up with me...
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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