Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
