I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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