Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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