Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
