Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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