Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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