i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
