there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
