I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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