So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
