I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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