my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
