We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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