I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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