toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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