call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
