can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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