Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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