Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
