My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
