dude i'm inner monologue high
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
