i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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