Umm I'm too high to move.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
